Proverbs 13:20 - He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

I've been thinking a lot about the quote, "show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are." I wonder if it's always true? I believe it's usually true, but I know there are many friendships that are geared around companionship or shared activities that only reflect a small part of your personality. For example, at my gym, everyday around lunch time a diverse group of men meet to play basketball. They definitely have the love of basketball in common, but not necessarily anything else. Some may be married, some single. Some educated, some tradesmen. Some are younger, some older. There are many differences that can be observed on the surface that negate that notion of birds of a feather, flock together. Can a statement like that be definitive?

If you want to raise your tennis game, play with better players. The same holds true in other areas of life. Intellectuals discuss different things than laborers. But, what perplexes me most is the question: how do you know when all the common denominators that once held your friendship together are completely gone? What about the friends you once knew and enjoyed and have been loyal too, aren't they worth holding onto, even when you have grown in separate directions? Do you just drift into 'once in a while' friends? Stay connected for continuity sake? What is the ultimate cost of that?

I ended a friendship recently for many reasons, but the most important reason was because I knew this friend was deliberately trying to hurt me. The mean streak reared its ugly head and I nipped it before it showed up again. There are a lot of things in life we can't control, but allowing someone to beat you up is not one of them. No amount of meanness, verbal abuse or otherwise will be tolerated or allowed to continue, ever. I've put up with a lot of annoyances in order to keep some friendships alive, but I absolutely will not put up with intentional harm, even if it's merely a by-product of someone else's insecurity. I'll get secure friends.

Talking with a friend the other day I mentioned, if we only looked for perfect friends we'd never have any. However, as I grow older and become more discerning, the line between bearable and optimal is growing that much wider. Optimal friendships allow for honest communication, enjoyment and a feeling that you've been lifted up after you're with them. There is a sense of calm and ease and usually laughter when your with the right people, or "your people." Bearable friendships are forced, inauthentic and filled with far too much compromise and tongue biting. They are draining, more work than their worth, and end up costing you way too much on every level.

So the next logical question is this: What do you do when you are in between that wide gap of having some or none, but what you do have is definitely not what you want? Embrace the loneliness until a new one comes along? Tolerate an old one? The one thing I've learned for sure is, you can't change someone, no matter how much you want to, try to, or how much they acknowledge that they want and need to change. Change truly comes from within - though pressure from without can encourage it along.